Fantasize for a fantastic sex life

ANWESHA MITTRA, Dec 19, 2010, 12.00am IST

Factor in some fantasy to your sex life (Getty Images)

In the middle of a great lovemaking session, you suddenly realize your partner is not sharing your rhythm, the ecstatic pitch. You feel he isn't so into you in that moment of extreme physical intimacy.

Is-he thinking-of-someone-else or he-doesn't-find-me-sexually-attractive-anymore kind of thoughts cloud your mind instantly. Mostly women are able to sense this sudden change in their spouse's body language while in the act. For them, it is an excruciatingly frustrating experience which leads them to see sexologists, make amends to their lifestyle, and read up on how to be desirable again.

But what exactly triggers sexual fantasies while having sex? Does it spell doom for a relationship? Is dissatisfaction a plausible reason or another myth? Here are some interesting finding...

Craving for raw sex
'As dirty as can get' maybe the way your guy wants it, but is apprehensive to spell it out to you. He wants basic sex similar to that in porn flicks and thinks he would put a dampener by even suggesting the idea. Your partner may harbour fantasies about having steamy romp while doing the physical act with you. Says Dr. S.K Sharma, clinical psychologist and lifestyle advisor, "For some it is to add thrill, while for others it adds novelty value." Though he feels that lack of fulfillment in a relationship or partner's attractiveness may play a role, but mostly it is a person's own desire to feel stimulated.

Fantasizing about celebs
"I have often fantasized about having sex with Marilyn Monroe and Pamela Anderson," reveals Prateek (name changed), a banker. But he maintains that such thoughts are only restricted to masturbation, and not while making out with his girlfriend. Agrees Dr. Sharma, "It is but natural for some to fantasize about celebrities, though there are others who fantasize about someone known." Scantily clad models or the girl from the last porn movie could be on his mind while making love to you; it excites him to perform better and feel fully aroused. "If taken in a positive sense it can enhance your sex life and the relationship as well. In fact, it is a safe way of sexual release and even emotional satisfaction," he adds.

Foreplay and a big orgasm
Foreplay may not top the chart of many. It is possible that your partner is too tired for foreplay and just wants an orgasm before retiring for the day. This happens to couples with kids or the ones running a very stressful routine at work. In such a scenario, the more active sex partner finds a vent to his suppressed desires by way of fantasies. Lust for a bigger orgasm also drives one to indulge in sexual fantasies. Believes Dr. Rajendra Barve, psychologist, "A person resorts to fantasies when he is trying to satisfy his partner, and the partner is not sufficiently enthused. This can bring about a disconnect in their most intimate moment. However, there is no harm in fantasizing about people at random. Only when the fantasies revolve around a certain, known person is there a reason to worry."

Dr. Barve shares with us a very curious case he'd handled many years back. It was about a married lady who suspected something amiss in her sexual companionship with her husband. "And one day he cried out a name while having sex with her. It turned out to be the name of her sister, and as fate would have it her husband was having a secret liaison with the sister-in-law," says he.

Experimentation, a 'no-no'!
Often when couples have been together for a longish period, they get used to each other's sexual needs and habits. And 'experimentation' becomes a dreaded word. They follow a routine without even sparing a thought towards a revamped sex life. Some think the easiest way out is to succumb to sexual fantasies while engaged in a physical act with their partners. But Dr. Madhumati Singh, senior psychologist, thinks fantasizing is the sign of a healthy, creative mind. "A lot of them fantasize about having sex with a virgin. It is apparently a great turn on. A lot of happy couples find bliss in fantasizing," she shares. So much so, she even feels that harbouring thoughts of another person while having sex doesn't in any way strain a relationship. She is, however, quick to add, "Thoughts take you where horses can't fly, but after that it is again back to the real world."

Lingerie love
A woman's way of dressing up plays a huge role in giving men an arousal. No matter how traditional his outlook, he'd want his partner to look hot and sexy in bed. Tease him by donning sensual reveal-all, black lace lingerie, and he will not be able to keep his hands off you. It is a truly erotic, and of course, pragmatic way of getting your man's attention and not letting it waver! But there are few who take this obsession for a sexy-looking partner to a new level. Explains Dr. Barve, "I once heard from a married couple who were not able to sexually satisfy each other. Her husband was completely taken in by yesteryear dancing queen, Helen, and wanted a piece of her in his wife. He even went to the extent of dressing her up in feathery, revealing outfits before seducing her to bed. Unfortunately, such an arrangement didn't work for very long, and the wife eventually got tired of the role play."

Then, what is the right proportion of fantasy and reality in a relationship?

As Dr. Madhumati rightly sums it up, "Just reality gives you 5-out-of-10 level of satisfaction in a relationship, but fantasizing about a beautiful sexual experience can make it 7 out of 10!"

Microsoft Kinect gets sex game

ANI, Dec 19, 2010, 07.00am IST

WASHINGTON: A porn company has created an interactive sex game using Microsoft's new Kinect video game console.

A demonstration of the sex game received more than 11,000 hits on YouTube just 15 hours after it was posted.

The controller-free console designed for family fun became a new medium for pornography less than two months after it was released.

The game allows users to simulate sex acts using the console's advanced technology, which requires users to move their bodies instead of a controller.

"The open-sourcing of device drivers for Kinect have enabled the device to be used directly from connected PCs operating on Windows 7," Fox News quoted the game's developer, 3D sex-simulation producer ThriXXX, as telling cnet.com.

"The Kinect interface provides another exciting interface option for users of the sex-simulation software to control the experience in extraordinary new ways," ThriXXX stated.

But the company has revealed that Microsoft, Kinect's maker, might block its game.

"We do not have permission from anyone on any of this stuff and have been using stuff from the hacker community to do a working prototype, following what is going on in that world," spokesman Brad Abram said.

More than 2.5 million Kinect consoles have been sold since it was launched November 4.

"This isn't the first example of a technology being used in ways not intended by its manufacturer, and it won't be the last," Microsoft said.

"Microsoft did not authorize or license its technology for this use. Xbox is a family friendly games and entertainment console and does not allow Adults Only (AO) content to be certified for use on its platform, and would not condone this type of game for Kinect," it added.

Sino-Indian ties vital to America

TNN, Dec 19, 2010, 03.29am IST

NEW DELHI: The brief prepared for the late US special representative for Af-Pak Richard Holbrooke by the Indian Embassy in February 2009 notes the criticality of Sino-Indian relations for American interests that can be directly impacted from the Pacific to the Cape of Good Hope.

The cable notes that under Prime Minister Manmohan Singh's leadership, India has emerged as a "responsible leader" in the region as well as Asia at large and leads by example in encouraging democracy. But it is worried by political instability in nearly every neighbouring country. It seems to value stability over democracy when it comes to foreign policy.

The pragmatic streak is evident in India's ties with China, which Indian officials describe as a "complex relationship". The dynamics of this relationship will "significantly affect not only Asia as a power centre of the 21st century, but directly impact US interests" in a wide arc.

The US embassy notes that Sino-Indian relations can easily be described "as a mutual desire to seek warmer relations through strategic dialogue". This is despite the contentious nature of border issues and emerging economic and political rivalry that may affect a broader engagement.

The cable advices Holbrooke that the moment for even greater cooperation with India might be ripe as India has welcomed US initiatives on issues like tsunami, Nepalese democracy to anti-piracy off the coast of Somalia.

For Delhi women, safety biggest 'high'

Ambika Pandit, TNN, Dec 19, 2010, 04.43am IST

NEW DELHI: Women love their drink; and if the ambience is right, they don't mind picking it up on their own from the liquor store. That's what an analysis of footfalls at High Times, the first state-run liquor vend in a mall, has thrown up.

At least 15% buyers at the 1,400 square feet outlet in DLF Saket mall happen to be women, with the figure going up to 20% on the weekend and tapering off on weekdays. The encouraging figures come from a Delhi State Infrastructure and Industrial Development Corporation study of all customers at High Times since the store launched in April 2009 to make liquor purchase a pleasant experience, especially for women and foreign tourists.

The shop is already doing business to the tune of Rs 2.5 lakh daily. Most buyers here are keen on imported wine, beer and high-end scotch — no surprise if one considers the store's location.

"To make liquor purchase a pleasant experience and to enable women and foreign tourists to visit liquor shops, DSIIDC launched the first liquor shop named High Times at DLF Saket Mall in April, 2009," elaborates C Arvind, general manager, DSIIDC.

He said that the fact that women buyers had started coming to the shop in the mall goes to show that they feel safe and the ambience is comfortable for them to reach out to the counter and ask for their pick of liquor.

"The mall experience is completely different from local shops, where a large number of men queue up to buy liquor, stopping women from even contemplating about heading out for the vend," Arvind added.

The shop, spread over a 1,400 square feet area, has been set up by DSIIDC at the luxurious DLF Place mall in Saket in south Delhi. On sale at the shop are over 200 brands of imported foreign liquor and almost all Indian Made Foreign Liquor brands.

The sprawling fully-airconditioned shop at the DLF Place is equipped with computerized billing and bar-coding facility, besides a trained batch of staff.

For wine lovers, the shop has a separate section for imported wine, which has provisions to maintain correct temperature so that the real taste of it is retained.

After a positive response at Saket Mall, DSIIDC is now preparing to launch another High Times vend at the DLF Promenade Mall at Vasant Kunj. This vend, expected to open before New Year, will be spread over 2200 square feet and will display finest brands approved by the excise department. The shop will have a dedicated wine counter, Arvind added.

The DSIIDC had opened another liquor vend in West Gate mall at Rajouri Garden. But that failed to deliver and was closed. The Corporation pointed out that the mall as a whole attracted very few customers; morever, since the shop was located next to a restaurant, it was certainly not the best location to attract customers as most preferred to take a drink at the restaurant itself.

Not prepared to take any chances, the Corporation waited to see the shop at Saket mall stabilize before moving ahead with plans to open the Vasant Kunj outlet.

While there is just one government-run shop functional in a mall yet, the state runs 455 liquor shops across the city and there are 115 authorized private liquor vends. As per estimates, the numbers are inadequate keeping in view the demand and the population in the capital.

Nehru's stubbornness led to 1962 war with China?

SHASTRI RAMACHANDARAN, TNN, Dec 19, 2010, 04.52am IST

Prime Minister Jawaharlal Nehru "shut the door to negotiations on the (India-China) boundary on July 1, 1954", according to a just-released book by A G Noorani based on archival research and hitherto unpublished material.

And this — Nehru's refusal to negotiate, and the 1960 rebuff to Chou En-lai when he was visiting and appeared ready to settle the issue — may well have sowed the seeds of the 1962 India-China war.

The important and explicit directive, from Nehru, in a 17-para memorandum, cited by Noorani in his book, says: "Both as flowing from our policy and as a consequence of our Agreement with China, this frontier should be considered a firm and definite one which is not open to discussion with anybody. There may be very minor points of discussion. Even these should not be raised by us."

Noorani, an expert on legal and constitutional issues, known for his study of the boundary issue, writes in the book, "India-China Boundary Problem. 1846-1947: History and Diplomacy", that "India unilaterally revised its official map. The legend 'boundary undefined' in the western (Kashmir) and middle sectors (Uttar Pradesh) in the official maps of 1948 and 1950 were dropped in the new map of 1954. A firm clear line was shown instead."

The author says that Nehru's directive of July 1, 1954 was apparently in pursuance of a decision taken on March 24, 1953 to formulate a new line for the boundary. "It was a fateful decision. Old maps were burnt. One former Foreign Secretary told this writer how, as a junior official, he himself was obliged to participate in this fatuous exercise."

It is speculated that the official was Ram Sathe, India's last consul-general in Xinjiang and later Ambassador to China. The book, dedicated to the memory of Sathe, was released on December 16 at the residence of Vice President Hamid Ansari during Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao's visit.

The book mentions that new maps were printed showing Northern and North Eastern frontiers without any reference to any line. Nehru also wanted that these maps should be sent to embassies abroad and introduced to the public generally and be used is schools and colleges.

Describing as "historically untrue" every one of the statements of Nehru in his letter to Chinese Premier Zhou En-lai of March 22, 1959, Noorani states that as late as 1950, Indian maps showed the boundary as undefined.

The unpublished archival material in Chapter 12 titled 'Aftermath', quotes extensively from the 17-page memo and says a "divided Cabinet, an irresponsible opposition, an uninformed press and a restive Parliament, all fed on bad history held Nehru hostage."

Selective excerpts:

"A century-old problem was neglected, by a conscious decision, in 1954. It acquired the dimensions of a boundary dispute in 1959. Unresolved in 1960 when the prospects of a fair settlement were bright, the dispute was sought to be resolved by confrontation. Indias attempt to revise the status quo in 1961 by a Forward Policy in the West came to grief. China decided to settle the matter by recourse to war in October 1962."

"The conclusion is hard to resist that there was a total disconnect between the facts of history and India's policy on the boundary problem and later boundary dispute. Its diplomacy became inflexible because it espoused a policy which barred give and take. Each one of the propositions stated earlier in Chapter XI was flouted the 1842 Treaty; and undefined boundary; the Karakoram boundary; and, worst of all, an impermissible recourse to unilateral change of frontiers."

"This, in a dispute pre-eminently susceptible to a fair solution; for, each had its vital non-negotiable interest securely under its control. India had the McMahon Line while China had the Xinjiang-Tibet road across the Aksai Chin in Ladakh."

"Zhou En-lai was all too ready to accept such a solution during his visit to New Delhi in April 1960. He was rebuffed. China proceeded to practice its own brand of unilateralism, sanctifying territorial gains won by armed force."

"There was nothing inevitable about this impasse. A settlement was possible at the summit in New Delhi in April 1960, despite the fact that public opinion had been ignited over the armed clashes in Longju and the Kongka pass in 1959. A divided Cabinet, an irresponsible opposition, an uninformed press and a restive Parliament, all fed on bad history, held Nehru hostage; not that he had a different view of the past. Had he so willed between January 21 and March 22, 1959 when he replied to Zhous letter, a policy based on the historical truth and sensible diplomacy conducted in private could have charted a route that would assuredly have led to accord."

"But history was scorned and it took its revenge; paving the way to a wild, irrational play of military might and the politics of power to shape a border dispute inherently and pre-eminently susceptible to a fair compromise. The diplomatic consequences of the deepening rift between India and China are incalculable; especially in India's relations with its other neighbours, particularly Pakistan."

The book reveals that the only comprehensive and objective study of the Northern Frontier — conducted under the supervision of K. Zakaraiah, director of the Historical Division in the Ministry of External Affairs in 1953 is still kept secret.

The book says that in 1979 Chinese leader Deng Xiaoping had told then Minister of External Affairs Atal Behari Vajpayee, when he was on a visit, to settle on the basis of the status quo of 1980 and not 1960; albeit with minor adjustments.

US scathing about India's security forces: WikiLeaks

NEW DELHI: The United States may have emerged as a key partner in counter-terror efforts post-26/11, but it has a very dim view of the capabilities of Indian security forces.

It also felt till just a couple of years ago that India was reluctant to have an effective anti-terror partnership because of suspicions about American policies towards Pakistan, its independent foreign policy stance and sensitivities over Muslim sentiments.

"India's police and security forces are overworked and hampered by bad police practices, including the widespread use of torture in interrogations, rampant corruption, poor training, and a general inability to conduct solid forensic investigations," the US embassy observed in a cable it sent on February 23, 2007, after a not-so-satisfactory meeting of an Indo-US counter-terrorism joint working group.

The memo further said, "India's security forces also regularly cut corners to avoid working through India's lagging justice system, which has approximately 13 judges per million people. Thus Indian police officials often do not respond to our requests for information about attacks or our offers of support because they are covering up poor practices, rather than rejecting our help outright."

The communication disclosed in the cable refers to the US unease over the arrest of a computer expert, Mukesh Saini, who was working with India's National Counter Terrorism Centre (NCTC), and was arrested on charges of spying for Americans. US's acting coordinator for counter-terrorism, Frank Urbancic, took up the matter with his Indian interlocutor, K C Singh, then an additional secretary in the MEA.

Urbancic called Saini a key working-level interlocutor at the NCTC, dismissed the charge of espionage and said his arrest had cast a "negative shadow" on the functioning of the counter-terror working group.

The criticism of the Indian police only echo the widely-held perception that it is ill-equipped to meet the growing terror threat and other internal security challenges. The limitations were exposed fully by the Lashkar-e-Taiba gunmen involved in during 26/11 strike, but the brutally candid opinion, coming from a foreign power, that too one seen with a chip on its shoulder, will lead to considerable heartburn.

In a communication leaked earlier by the whistle-blower website, the US had raised serious doubts India's ability to implement its "cold war" doctrine — a rapid, short and limited push within Pakistan's territory as a reprisal against terror attacks and other hostilities.

The cable sent by the serving US ambassador on February 16, 2010, Timothy Roemer, called the doctrine, a "mixture of myth and reality". "The value of the doctrine to the government of India may lie more in the plan's existence than in any real world application."

Saying that India was diffident in teaming up with the US in the war on terror, the 2007 cable said, "India's lingering zero-sum suspicion of US policies towards Pakistan, its fiercely independent foreign policy stance, its traditional go-it-alone strategy towards its security and its domestic political sensitivities over the sentiments of its large Muslim population, have all contributed to India's caution in working with us on a joint counter-terrorism strategy".

Mumbai boy first blind trader in a bank?

Anahita Mukherji, TNN, Dec 2, 2010, 03.52am IST

MUMBAI: Breaking records is almost a way of life for 30-year-old Mumbai boy Ashish Goyal. He was the first blind student to make it to Wharton Business School, Philadelphia, four years ago. If that isn't enough, Ashish cleared his MBA with honours and went on to win the Joseph P Wharton award, given to one student every year who symbolizes Wharton's way of life. Ashish, who now lives in London, is the first blind trader at J P Morgan, and possibly in any bank anywhere in the world. His near-impossible feat has earned him the National Award for the Empowerment of Persons with Disabilities, 2010, an honour that he will receive at the hands of the president of India this week.

''I hope this award helps the world recognize that, given the right set of opportunities and encouragement, people like me can live out their ambitions and lead ordinary lives,'' says Ashish. In his case, though, he's achieved more than most ordinary people do.

Ashish, who was born with perfect vision, suffers from a disease called retinitis pigmentosa, which robbed him of his sight after the age of 15. He did not lose his vision at one go, but gradually went blind over a period of three years. By18, he couldn't see anything at all.

''His disability would normally be a barrier that would make it almost impossible to be a successful trader. Ashish's determination and extremely strong will have helped him overcome this barrier completely. Apart from a few technological enhancements at his desk, Ashish is totally independent in all aspects of his job and does not require, nor has he requested, any extra support,'' says Ray Eyles, who runs J P Morgan's commodities business in Asia, and was Ashish's first manager. Eyles is struck by Ashish's modesty, despite the magnitude of his accomplishment in dealing with his disability. ''He is an inspiration to all employees at the bank,'' says Eyles. Ashish's pursuits in life aren't purely academic. He's a theatre enthusiast who loves travelling and music. He also does his best to catch the latest film releases, and is quick to critique both Hollywood and Hindi cinema. His infectious enthusiasm and zest for life have ensured that he is well liked wherever he goes. ''It's a real pleasure to have him around. He's always got a smile on his face, and is forever surrounded by a pack of people,'' says Brian Marchiony, head of communications for Europe at J P Morgan.

Ironically, while Ashish will return to India to receive his award, this country has been a trifle hostile to him during his first attempt at entering the job market. He had a tough time getting a job in India, despite standing second in his batch while doing an MBA at NMIMS.

Mother of WikiLeaks chief fears for his safety

AFP, Dec 2, 2010, 09.20am IST

SYDNEY: The mother of Australian-born WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange today expressed fear for her son's safety, saying the forces he was challenging had become "too big".

Christine Assange said her "highly intelligent" and curious son had been raised as a strongly ethical "seeker of truth".

But Assange said her son, now subject to a global Interpol arrest demand over rape charges in Sweden, had become "too smart for himself" and she now feared for his safety.

"He sees what he's doing as doing a good thing in the world, fighting baddies if you like," Assange told the Courier Mail, her local newspaper in Queensland.

"I'm concerned it's gotten too big and the forces that he's challenging are too big," she added.

The WikiLeaks chief, who is said to lead a spy-like life of rarely sleeping in the same place twice, has sparked a political storm by dumping about 250,000 secret US diplomatic cables onto the Internet.

His mother -- who according to the Courier Mail does not even own a computer -- defended the 39-year-old's actions as being driven by deep conviction, and said he had not always been destined for a career in computer hacking.

"He didn't actually come from a background of high technology, he came from a background of creativity and a love of learning and books," Christine Assange said.

"Whether you agree with what Julian does or not, living by what you believe in and standing up for something is a good thing."

She said Julian Assange had put his life on hold when he was just 18 to care for his newborn son, Daniel, who is now 20 and works as a software developer in the southern city of Melbourne.

"Jules put his life and university studies on hold to parent Daniel and be there for him," Christine Assange said.

"He's a very good father -- not many men of that age will fight for their kid, but he stepped up to the responsibility."

Julian Assange's marriage to Daniel's mother reportedly broke down and there was a protracted custody battle.

Christine Assange said the father and son had even attended the University of Melbourne together -- Julian studying mathematics and physics while Daniel, then aged just 15, began a degree in genetics.

She said her son had distanced himself from the family for their own safety, but disputed some unflattering portrayals given of him by critics and ex-colleagues.

"He was (a) lovely boy, very sensitive, good with animals, quiet and has a wicked sense of humour," she said.